Broads 2006

As usual in the pre-broads holiday excitement, we swapped a few emails predicting what would happen on the trip.


From: Andy Roberts <andy@xxxxxxx>
To: Andy Roberts <andy@xxxxxxx>, Rowlands Chris J <chris@xxxxxx>,
Jemma Gabler <jemma@xxxxxxx>, Janne Kaariainen <janne@xxxxxx>,
Jo Steele <jo@xxxxx>, Elaina Ford <elaina@xxxxxx>,
Neil Sahdev <sahdev@xxxxxxx>, Rob Feneck <rob@xxxxxxxxx>,
Rowlands Anne <anne@xxxxxxxxxxxx>
Cc: Hedley Rowlands <hedley@xxxxxxxx>, Hedley <hedley@xxxxxxxx>
Date: Tuesday, 20 June 2006 18:51:31
Subject: broads chapter 9

(please note: sorry about the length of this email, blame the fact i am
waiting for a mate to finish work so we can go and watch the england
match down the pub. i have a life. honest.)

chapter 9

One thing is for sure on the Borads. Its a given. A fact. Never going
to change. And that is Food. In any situation its always the number
one priority (except possibly when in a fleet of only halfdeckers, when
"the search for toilets" might edge it for the top spot).

In light of this, the agenda for the rest of the day/holiday was already
set. The crew would cook up a feast, eat, sail, have a beer, sail some
more, stop, cook up a feast, eat, sail, stop, have a beer, sleep. and
repeat. Because of this, the actual act of cooking had become a feature
in itself. Cooking or "sparking up the barbie" as its also known, had
become an art. Combinations of charcoal blocks, newspaper, lighter
fluid and 3 zippos at different angles, was the preferred current

Also, each year, each crew member raised the stakes by bringing more and
more complicated and weird designs of BBQs with even more weird and
wonderful names including "the dog", "the toolbox", "the tray", "the
shelf" and one year "Sahdev's Zippo Lighter".

In fact, the expectation of that years latest cooking device kept many
crew members awake the night before the broads eager with anticipation.
Although its probably true that there were many more of the crew
members awake the night *after* the first meal that had been prepared
on these devices.

This year Roberts had a trick up his sleeve (a shallow wok gas burning
arrangement on a tripod, hereby to be known as the "tripod"). Sahdev had
brought a large Dalek shaped BBQ capable of feeding the 5000 (with burnt
loaves and burnt fish), and Rowlands had brought an engine. Thats right,
a 2 litre carb fed Pinto lump kicking out well over 120bhp.

No, this isn't some high performance engine acquired off ebay... ...that
went into his Westfield the previous weekend. This was the old engine
that had come out of it.

Young Chris had mounted a hot plate arrangement from an old Aga cooker
(including with the 15 hundredweight cast iron base) to the engine,
along with a spare recaro driving and passenger seat facing it. The
driver would slowly work the petrol powered monster through the gears,
whilst the passenger would use an adapted steering-wheel/windscreen-
wiper arrangement to keep the burgers and sausages flipping every 3
seconds. Once the engine had hit its limiter in top gear the food was
done and the passenger would hit the bonnet release catch flipping the
food onto the waiting plates.

Job done.


....whilst Chris has inherited his grandfathers enthusiasm for
engineering, he hadn't inherited much of his talent. The back wheels
of this mobile cookshop were still attached and spinning wildly at the
equivalent of 130mph. And they were only propped up a few inches off
the ground with a couple of bricks.

And they were bricks that Sahdev badly needed for his makeshift Dalek
shaped Extermi-burn-'em-inator.

It was only a few seconds after Sahdev had removed the bricks and
dropped the grippy rear tyres to the ground before a westfield engine
with a white hot cookplate was accelerating down the bank. Chris was
still pumping through the gears, his head down low into the "cockpit" of
the "car". Anneski was flipping the burgers at the rate of one every
1/4 second as she desperately tried to steer the "car" down the bank
the "steering wheel".

"CHRISSSSSSSSS" she yelled as she battled to not be thrown from the car.
She yanked on what would normally be a handbrake. But in this heavily
modified cookstation young Chris had installed a smoking device on the
off-chance he got hold of some trout or salmon to cook up. Smoke
billowed out from the "bonnet" and quickly left a trail all the way up
the bank towards Acle.

Meanwhile, Sahdev's Extermi-burn-'em-inator had caught.... ..on fire.

The design was heavily flawed from the word go, but thee nail in the
cookery coffin was that it was probably the only BBQ in the world ever
to be
held together with lengths of rope.

Once again though, and yep you guessed it, the "sahdev slip" came to the
rescue. It very quickly came undone and the rope unravelled causing the
Dalek BBQ to fall apart. The large Dalek "head" flipped off the top and
landed in the water creating an enormous splash which entirely put out
the fire of the flaming Aga-field which had come to a rest on the
opposite bank having done nearly a lap of Norfolk.

(to be continued...)



----- Original message -----
From: "Andy Roberts" <andy@xxxxxxx>
To: "Rowlands Chris J" <chris@xxxxxx>, "Jemma Gabler"
<jemma@xxxxxxx>, "Janne Kaariainen" <janne@xxxxxx>,
"Jo Steele" <jo@xxxxx>, "Elaina Ford"
<elaina@xxxxxx>, "Neil Sahdev" <sahdev@xxxxxxx>, "Rob
Feneck" <rob@xxxxxxxxx>, "Rowlands Anne" <anne@xxxxxxxxxxxx>
Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2006 12:20:08 +0100
Subject: broads chapter 8

and reached the cabin... boy Sahdev's pants, which were on the sail
drying after the incident with the dinghy.

"My lucky pants!" he yelled and scrambled across the deck of the boat to
retrieve them. Quickly it became obvious why... Scrawled all over his
pants were sailing diagrams in microscopic print. Clearly he had tried
the old exam cheating technique but realising that he usually walks
around only in shorts he decided that his pants would be the only secure
place for the information.

For the rest of the holiday "Admiral Nelson" would be clean out of

All looked lost: The boat was on fire, the flames were creeping closer
to the boat (where history would be made, and destroyed, within the
blink of an eye). However, two things saved the day. The first was,
unsurprisingly, a Sahdev Slip. He'd used one of his loosely tied maze
of rope masterpieces to secure the sail in position. Quickly it came
undone. The second thing that narrowly avoided this situation from
becoming an insurance nightmare was the fact the "sail" that was
currently on fire, with flames licking 25 feet in the air, wasn't
actually a sail at all. It was a bed sheet. Clearly Sahdev hadn't
noticed but by the dull light of the oil lamp that morning when he had
hoisted sail, his bedsheet had got caught up in the coil or ropes. It
was that they had sailed to Potter with, not the main, which was safely
tucked round his sleeping bag and pillow in the for'd cabin.

"Ahhhhhh" said sahdev when he realise his mistake, "Yep, planned for

(to be continued...)



----- Original message -----
From: "Rowlands Chris J" <chris@xxxxxx>
To: "'Andy Roberts'" <andy@xxxxxxx>, "Jemma Gabler"
<jemma@xxxxxxx>, "Janne Kaariainen" <janne@xxxxxx>,
"Jo Steele" <jo@xxxxx>, "Elaina Ford"
<elaina@xxxxxx>, "Neil Sahdev" <sahdev@xxxxxxx>, "Rob
Feneck" <rob@xxxxxxxxx>, "Rowlands Anne" <anne@xxxxxxxxxxxx>
Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2006 12:08:42 +0100
Subject: broads chapter 7

After the crowds had dispersed, because the cafe had been flooded, the crew
settled down to a hog roast on the side of the river. Sahdev went off to
get some meat, and came back with half a side of pig and a veggie

Both Roberts & Sahdev had already used their BBQ's on the first night,
but in the end First Mate Ford had to nip down the chippie on the back of
Rob's motorbike as both BBQ's had failed ignite.

So, it was time to use the Rowlands experimental BBQ Mark 3, as the mark 1
and 2, aka, the baking tray & Sieve had been mothballed and were
currently in the Science museum in London - it was time to test the latest kit
coming out of the Rowlands household.

The lightweight nature, and highly insulating core of the BBQ worked to
perfection as the coals were sparked up & the hog started turning. The
veggie sticks were just put to one side.

But Sahdev, being so eager, he had lowered the meat as low on the BBQ as
possible, but the dripping fat has caused the coals to flare up, and the
fire was now so high, that the edge of the boat was getting warm, and
one of the sails was dangerously close. All of a sudden, the sail ignited, and
as it was such a hot day, the flames started to spread over the sail, and
reached the cabin...



-----Original Message-----
From: Andy Roberts [mailto:andy@xxxxxxx] 
Sent: 19 June 2006 15:49
To: Jemma Gabler; Janne Kaariainen; Jo Steele; Elaina Ford; Rowlands
J; Neil Sahdev; Rob Feneck; Rowlands Anne
Cc: Hedley Rowlands; Hedley
Subject: broads chapter 6

Chapter 6

Eventually the gang set out on their journey towards Potter. The three
boats made good progress down the dyke, and up the River Thurne towards
the double set of bridges.

The plan was to make quick work of both, mooring on the other side and
stopping for breakfast in the Potter Cafe. Sadly the tide time
calculations made by Admiral Rowlands prior to the trip were out. And
not just by a little bit. In fact at the exact moment the first boat
slid through the ancient bridge the tide was dead against.
Unfortunately, because of his constant tweaking, this was Sahdev, he had
cut in in-front of the Rowlands/Roberts boat at the last second in a
class A racing manouver. In reality this just showed him up to be a
class A muppet: as the power of the tide (having bean accelerated
through the funnel of the narrow bridge) hit the bow it slowed the boat
down and began to push the boat backwards into the dinghy. This
immediately cracked like an egg, half going to the bottom of the river,
and half jamming the four-berther into the gap.

This had two effects. Firstly, the huge volume of water backed up
behind the boat pushing the boat like a cork into the bridge causing the
rush of water to build up behind the boat, and the level of the river
began to rise. Secondly, the two following boats had to take evasive
action, both neatly went about and drifited up slowly to the bank, both
(of course) were mid-shoot.

To applause from the passing tourists, the crews of both boats looked up
and waved to the onlookers. Most of whom were viewing the incident
through the viewfinders of expensive camcorders/cameras. Few had
noticed the problems under the ancient bridge. With the 60 year old
boat plugging the gap perfectly, the water level had now risen 3 feet
and was slowly flooding parts of the picnic area and car park. Within a
few more seconds, it was up another 6 feet. Suddenly there was a *POP*
and the boat unblocked itself... water came pouring through and an 18
foot wave of smelly river water drenched the onlookers. Sahdev's boat
was moving backwards at high speed now. Luckily though another "Sahdev
Slip" saved the day - this time sahdev had intended it to be a free
moving slip knot, gently feeding through the block at the bow. Clearly
(given the desire was for it to slip) it stuck fast, and caught round a
nearby mooring post. The boat stopped dead, and everyone breathed a
sigh of relief.

"Its been quite a successful morning" yelled Sahdev to the gathered
onlookers and his crew mates. "I reckon this has been my most disaster
free start to a holiday yet", he added as he inspected the splittered
remains of the dinghy that had somehow become lodged between the
forestay and mast. The drenched tourists just shook their heads in

(to be continued)



----- Original message -----
From: "Andy Roberts" <andy@xxxxxxx>
To: "Jemma Gabler" <jemma@xxxxxxx>, "Janne Kaariainen"
<janne@xxxxxx>, "Jo Steele" <jo@xxxxx>, "Elaina
Ford" <elaina@xxxxxx>, "Chris Rowlands"
"Neil Sahdev" <sahdev@xxxxxxx>, "Rob Feneck"
"Anne Rowlands" <anne@xxxxxxxxxxxx>
Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2006 15:36:25 +0100
Subject: broads chapter 5

Chapter 5

The rest of the crew were sitting on one of the park benches in the yard
enjoying the combination of the sun, cool breeze, the the smell of a
fry-up from one of the neighbouring boats.

They were aware that Cabin Boy Sahdev was messing around with his
boat... ...but he always was. Even sailing along, when everyone else
was kicking back with a cool beer/glass of vino, sahdev would be
tweaking every possible control on the boat: sweating the jib out,
loosening the peak halyard. Either that or he would just be playing
tarzan, swinging off the front of the boat with a spare warp.

Now, despite the fact it was only 7.30am, Sahdev had been up for most of
the night. He finally had the captaincy of his own boat. There would
be there no dispute this year, he thought to himself. "Captain Sahdev"
he said out loud, yeah, it had a nice ring to it. Five hours earlier,
his phone vibrated into life and he got up, made himself a coffee, and
settled down on the stern of the boat for some hard work. He turned up
the wick up on the oil lamp, it was dark and quite chilly but he was
huddled into his sleeping bag reading "Sailing for Dummies: from nothing
to nelson in 5 hours".

Thus at 7.30am with *all* the finer points of sailing in his brain, he
was prep'ing up the boat ready for the days sailing. It was all tweaked
to perfection when the large gust hit the main and propelled the boat
off down the dyke. The front and rear warp, having been tied with the
infamous Sahdev Slip, quickly came undone. Luckily though, Vice-Admiral
Roberts had set a "spring" on the boat. This was for two reasons,
firstly he had woken to find the cabin-boys four berther knocking
against the jetty - the spring perfectly kept this movement in check.
Secondly, he knew how fragile the Sahdev Slips were... In this
emergency, his spring worked to perfection, slowing the boat to a gentle
pace and then a halt, metres before the end of the dyke.

Vice-Fleet-Admiral Roberts bowed to the applauding crowds that had
gathered, and began signing autographs.

(to be continued...)



----- Original message -----
From: "Rowlands Chris J" <chris@xxxxxx>
To: "Rowlands Anne" <anne@xxxxxxxxxxxx>, "Andy Roberts"
<andy@xxxxxxx>, "Neil Sahdev" <sahdev@xxxxxxx>,, jemma@xxxxxxx, "Jo Steele"
<jo@xxxxx>, "Rowlands Anne" <anne@xxxxxxxxxxxx>,
"Rowlands Chris J" <chris@xxxxxx>, "Hedley Rowlands"
<hedley@xxxxxxxx>, "Elaina Ford"
Date: Fri, 19 May 2006 10:38:24 +0100
Subject: RE: Borads 2006 Chapter 3

Chapter 4

And the Salt was still dry inside the cellar

"wow" says Admiral Chris

"I remember when that went overboard, all those years ago" as he shook
the salt onto his chips.

The cabin boy was still dripping wet, and the pub landlord told him he
had to sit outside - he looked a bit like a dog in the rain.

Next morning however, was a different story - the sun was shining -
there was a light breeze blowing - and everyone was cheerful. Even the
cabin boy had found his steering wheel.

Cptn Sahdev had dismissed the Hunters yard staff - as he knew how to rig
the boats - and began to rig his 4 berther. The rest of us were still
eating breakfast, showering & chatting - as it was only 0730, but Sahdev
was so keen to get out that he began to rig the boat on his own.

However, he did make the first mistake of any novice sailor - he didn't
anticipate the wind - well, actually, it was worse than that - he had
absolutely no awareness of the wind what so ever!

He was hauling up the sails - with the boat pointing towards the
yard sheds - and suddenly there was a gust -the sails filled with wind - the mail
sheet raced through the blocks - then jammed - and the boat tried to
sail away. Luckily the boat was still tied up.

But it was the famous 'Sahdev Slip' knot, that had been used to tie the
boat up. Guaranteed never to come undone when you want it to slip out,
but will always fail in an emergency. At the critical moment, there
was a creaking, and then the moorings came undone - and the boat began
to sail towards the shed & jetty - with nowhere to go - and only Sahdev
on board....



----- Original message -----
From: Rowlands Chris J 
Sent: 10 April 2006 15:36
To: 'Robert Feneck'; Elaina Ford
Cc: Andy Roberts; Neil Sahdev;;
jemma@xxxxxxx; Jo Steele; Rowlands Anne; Hedley Rowlands
Subject: uc Borads 2006 Chapter 3

Chapter 3

So there is a lost Caterham with the wrong passengers, and a couple
wandering around London looking for a likely mode of transport to take
to Norfolk. You might wonder why the Caterham is, 'lost', well that is
a story in itself, but suffice to say Norbs was so in love with his new
gadget, he forgot to pack a road map, and everyone knows Tom Tom's don't
mix with water very well, and everyone knows that the Caterham has no
roof.. well put two and two together during a thunder storm, and rob's
your uncle (either that or he is wandering around in London with Elaina,
now in the process of asking the driver of the Number 42 to Hackney to
drop them at Hunters yard)

Anyway, to cut a long story short, it turns out that Sahdev got the
dates wrong, and everyone had left a day early to get to the yard, and
as it took them a day to get there, it turned out ok.

By eight o'clock everyone except Cabin Boy Roberts were tucked up inside
the Kings Arms supping on a beer telling war stories.

The Cabin Boy was fishing around in Ludham Dyke with bare feet, as
someone had over inflated the tyres on the luggage cart at the yard, and
an unlucky bounce over a bump found his quick release steering wheel
(which was sitting on top of the cart), jumped into the drink.

"I've got it!" he shouts, mainly to himself, as nobody else is around -
but he is feeling pleased none the less, as his toes are gripping a
rounded piece of plastic. His face turns as he pulls it out the water,
it's just an old salt cellar someone must have dropped some years ago...



----- Original message -----
From: Robert Feneck [mailto:rob@xxxxxxxxx] 
Sent: 07 April 2006 21:40
To: Elaina Ford
Cc: Andy Roberts; Neil Sahdev;;
jemma@xxxxxxx; Jo Steele; Rowlands Anne; Rowlands Chris J;
Subject: Re: FW: Borads 2006 Chapter 2 by the new boy!

Chapter 2?

Meanwhile in sunny Pimlico Bosun Feneck and Pirate Ford were
discussing travel arrangements for the up and coming Broads mission.

Looking through the options, Bosun Feneck suggested going on his 
Motorbike, Feneck knew he was onto a loser when Ford, gripping a large
glass of milk, in her deepest voice replied 'I ain't getting on no bike
fool'. It was then clear they'd have to find an alternative means of transport! 



----- Original message -----
From: "ROWLANDS Hedley (AXA-L)" <hedley@xxxxxxxx>
To: "Andy Roberts" <andy@xxxxxxx>, "Neil Sahdev"
<sahdev@xxxxxxx>, elaina@xxxxxx,,
jemma@xxxxxxx, "Jo Steele" <jo@xxxxx>, "Anne
Rowlands" <anne@xxxxxxxxxxxx>, "Chris Rowlands"
Date: Wed, 5 Apr 2006 14:31:58 +0100
Subject: Chapter 1

OK, I'll start:

It was early on a beautiful crisp sunny morning one Thursday in June.

Cap'n Sahdev and Chief Navigator Roberts had agreed to meet up together
and drive to Fleet to collect Admiral Rowlands and Financial Officer
Rowlands, en-route to Norfolk. They would meet the others at the yard.

At 0800 Sahdev knocked on the front door at the house and jumped back in
the car outside to wait for the Admiral and FO to jump in the back of
the Caterham. The Tom Tom recently installed in the Caterham had guided
them thus far to the house in Fleet. The Tom Tom doubled the weight of
the car.

Roberts had engineered a special harness system to carry 2 passengers
over the rear axle. Many people thought it would never work, and
whispered to each other that Roberts must be mad, trying to conceal
their jealousy, that he had a car that was so much fun, yet could also
carry more luggage and passengers than a Westfield.

The pair jumped in the back, tied themselves on with the bungees
supplied by Roberts (he had checked with the Ministry of Transport that
bungees were a suitable alternative to seatbelts, but they hadn't got
back to him yet with a confirmation).

Roberts was so confident that the pair had buckled/tied themselves in
properly, that without further ado, off he sped, down Ryelaw Road, with
Mr & Mrs Jones (both enjoying early retirement) tied to the back of the

3 months earlier:
Mr & Mrs Jones bought a house in Ryelaw Road from Mr & Mrs Rowlands

According to the Tom Tom, Admiral and FO Rowlands were still living at
Ryelaw Road, Fleet. 

Unbelievably, nobody had re-programmed the Tom Tom for the Admiral's new
address, 1 Ferndale Road, Fleet......

To be continued....